Being a parent has it’s challenges, and one of the big ones is the teen years. However, I’m a firm believer that the things you do when your kids are young can make the teen years much easier. It is possible to raise teens who talk to you, who are honest, and who are awesome people to be around. But the foundation starts when they are young!
Right now in my house I have a 19 year old, a 15 year old, and a 9 year old… it’s a little crazy to have one in college, one in high school, and one still in elementary. It gives me an interesting perspective as I see my parenting style evolve, and change how I have done things from one child to the next.
The thing is, I feel like I have a great relationship with my boys. I believe part of that has to do with the fact that they are just awesome people… like I had great raw goods to start with. I believe another part is having homeschooled them. It’s given them a chance to become exactly who they are without a ton of influence of peers, other people’s ideas, and a lot of pressure. I also believe that as they grow into teens our relationship is based a lot on things I did when they were smaller, that I continue to do, that encourages an open, honest, fun relationship.
I give credit where it is due, and owe much of my parenting style to my mom, she’s awesome. My sister and I always knew we could talk to her, she showed me how to be a parent while still being a friend.
Related Post- Yes, You Can (and should) be Friends With Your Kids
Here’s the cool thing about life, you can always make changes, even if you are nearing the teen years, or in the midst of them, you can alter what you are doing and begin to move your relationship with your child in a better direction. If your kids are little you can lay the foundation for a smooth transition to the teen years.
Want to raise kids to be teens who talk to you? Here’s my advice.
#1- Learn to Listen – When your kids are little it’s going to be things like a million stories about Minecraft, something cool they saw on YouTube, or a game they played with a friend. Sometimes we can tune them out, or rush them through their stories. But learn to take the time to listen. When you show them that what they are saying is valuable to you it sets the tone for them to want to tell you things. The Minecraft stories will give way to stories about troubles friend are having, issues they need to talk about… important things. When they know from a young age that they have your attention they will become teens who talk to you. Listening means hearing them even when they’re being honest about things that may upset you, or if there is something that you have done that they want to talk to you about. When they get to be teens sometimes you have to bite your tongue to listen without responding immediately, but developing the ability will lead to them being honest and knowing they can talk to you about anything
#2- Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff & Don’t Over Punish– Ok, this is kind of a big one…. and one not everyone might agree with. I have known parents who punish their kids over the smallest things, who micromanage, and nit pick, until their kid is either afraid to do anything, or acts out because they figure they’re getting punished for it anyway! Let me put it out there, if your kids know that they’re getting punished, or yelled at, or you’re going to freak out over small things, then when they are teens they are going to be more apt to keep secrets, sneak around, and hide things from you. If your 9 year old runs outside in his socks, is it really that big of a deal? Did you have to ask 5 times to get your kids to clean their room? Yes, its frustrating, but think before you throw out a punishment. When your kid is 16 and scrapes the side of the car do you want them to tell you, or do you want them to hide it or figure out a way to fix it behind your back, or lie for fear of repercussion? There are ways to teach your child respect and responsibility in a positive way without freaking out over little things, or punishing for every small infraction.
#3- Reward Honesty- This goes hand in hand with not over punishing. If your child has done something wrong, made a mistake, had an accident, or knows something they seem to feel nervous about telling you, they need to know they can come to you without fear. It’s hard as a parent, especially when a rule has been broken, or they are telling you something that upsets or disappoints you. I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be any consequences, but sometimes it’s best to reward their honesty with a lesser one, or even let them slide. Fostering a space where they can be 100% honest is something that is important to do. You want your teens to feel they can talk to you about anything, and be honest even if it’s something questionable.
#4- Model Character Traits- I’m always puzzled when I see things about teaching your children character traits. See you can try and teach them all you want, but if they don’t see you doing them it won’t work. Children learn through example, so if you want them to be patient, loving, giving and kind, those are things you’re better off showing them then trying to teach them!
#5- Be Honest With Them– Did you screw up? Apologize. Are your kids not able to do something because your family can’t afford it? Let them know. Do you feel uncomfortable about something that happened or was said? Have a conversation about it. Letting your kids see that you are a real person helps them relate to you. Being honest with them about family stuff, relationships, money, allows them to see that honesty goes both ways and that they can be honest with you! It also lets them understand that you’re not just saying no for the sake of saying no but for a reason. Open, honest communication, is key to having teens who talk to you!
#6 – Ask Questions- Part of letting your child know you’re listening is asking questions and engaging with them when you talk. As they get older ask them questions about their day at school, their visit to a friends house. If you know they’ve had an issue with a friend or teacher ask them about it, show that you care and that you are interested in what they have to say. It’s amazing the conversations that open up from a simple question. If you start when they are young when they get to be teenagers they’ll know that you’re not just pestering or prying but that it is just something you do. My son recently brought home a girl he’s dating smiled and said, “Go ahead mom I told her you’d have a million questions.” I always talk to his friends and girlfriends, make it a point to ask questions to get to know them, and he knows I will, and is ok with it, because he knows it’s coming from a place of my caring.
#7- Give Them Freedom to Make Decisions- My middle son currently has purple hair…. last year it was blue. My youngest’s hair is down to the middle of his back and he often gets mistaken for a girl. My thinking, their heads, their choice. You see I know that letting them make decisions about their hair, their clothes, what they’re having for lunch, and other minor things gives them a sense of freedom, a sense of control of their lives, and is practice for making more important decisions down the road of life. Whenever possible I let them make a choice, and sometimes I don’t necessarily agree with the one they’ve made but as long as it’s nothing that can hurt them I let them see it through. Making good decisions is like a muscle that needs to develop and strengthen, its not something you can do for them. You can offer them guidance, and let them make choices so that they can learn!
I love my teenage boys, and their friends. I think that by raising your kids in a way that they become teens who talk to you makes these years enjoyable instead of difficult. We have faced challenges, and of course have ups and downs but for the most part they know they can come to me with anything, and that I am here to listen, laugh, and enjoy these years together!
Do you have a teen who talks to you? What advice would you add for strentgthing that relationship?
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Jenn Worrell says
I absolutely love this! Your tips are spot on. As a stepmom of two grown ones and a bio mom to two elementary kids, I can attest to the fact that listening to their stories is vital!
Devra says
Yes! This is exactly what I do! So glad that there are others out there who do the same and I’m not alone. I have always felt that leading by example is the best policy. As a child I would tell my son, “in this home we love each other and people who love each other speak to each other with respect”. We rarely raise our voices to each other and have learned to take a time out and come back if a subject has too much emotion involved. Recently I started a FB quiz with my son and I stopped after the first question. I asked him What is something your mom says to you all the time? Granted I thought he would come out with, take a shower or clean your room. His answer was I love you. I’m doing alright if that is his first thought.
Nikki says
These are great tips. I’m going to keep them in mind as my kids get older.
Anonymom says
These are wonderful tips!! I’ve been trying to make a habit of being a better listener and taking time to stop what I’m doing and focus on my kids instead of trying to “listen” while doing a million things at once.
My sister liked the crazy colors in her hair when she was a teen (your son’s blue was her favorite!), and my parents didn’t like it. However, she now does other people’s hair for a living, and her hair choices are much less tame. ๐
Krista says
It is hard to focus on the things they want to tell us but it builds a great foundation! My oldest went through the blue hair phase and now my middle one… it seems to be something the outgrow eventually lol!
Krista says
That is awesome that his answer was I love you!! I think our kids knowing that is the absolute most important thing!! So glad to meet a like minded mom!!
Mawu says
Honestly I am a screamer and I am not very patient with my 15 year old who most of the time only focuses on himself. Asking him to do anything will turn into asking 5 more times or talking back or something else to keep him from doing it. He is depressed because he doesn’t have many friends. And he often can be antagonistic. Argues for fun. My husband and I try every route possible to help…counseling, ignore, punish, talk to him…..he’s still very difficult to deal with. I try to be a friend to him and he talks to me a lot but lately I find myself frustrated and I don’t want to even be around him. I wish this was a phase but it’s pretty much usually like this. Just being honest.
Sensiblysimplemom says
I loved reading this! My kids are still very young and before I was a mom someone told me: “if you scream and yell when your kids spills a cup of milk, do you think they will come talk to you when they are in trouble at school or with friends? ” I always try to keep that in mind. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Krista says
Exactly!! It is a great to know that when they are young, it’s when you’re relationships are being formed & you’ll have a great one! Not sweating the small stuff helps with sooooooo many things as a parent!
Krista says
I think realizing that you are frustrated is probably a good place to start. Take a deep breath, hug him, love him, and let him know that you do. Our kids can sense our frustration and anger with them and it tends to feed the negative behavior. Teenagers can be hard, and super argumentative for sure, but not engaging in those arguments, not letting the frustration get to you, and letting him know you love him no matter what can really go a long way. And take a few deep breaths before you yell, give yourself a minute to calm down, you’re doing your best, we are all evolving constantly as parents and can only try to make better choices. Thank you so much for sharing here! I hope you and your kiddo can find peace and a great friendship!
Carlena says
I am a pregnant with my first child. And now I am crying. This is perfect–I have bookmarked it and will read it over and over. Can’t wait to share it with my other half. Thank you!
Krista says
Congratulations!! It’s wonderful that you can start at the very beginning and build an amazing relationship! Wishing you the best through the rest of your pregnancy, and the arrival of your new little one! Stop by again sometime and let me know how it’s going!
Carlena says
Thank you! I have an undergrad and a masters in early childhood and my boyfriend has a masters in secondary ed–we both work in our respective fields–we always joke I have the younger years covered and he will be a rock star in the teen years, haha! Take care!
Mandy says
Here’s one tip: Respond to any comment with “Oh what do YOU know? You’re just a kid.” It won’t take long before you won’t be bothered by your children wasting your oh so valuable time with their silly ideas or opinions, especially if you use the right sneering tone and belittling facial expression. The effect lasts for a lifetime, not just their teen aged years. Bonus: You get to pout and feel sorry for yourself when your adult offspring avoid your company as much as possible.
Claire says
I love this and I’m so glad I discovered your blog. My kids are 11 and 12 so they’ll soon be teens before I know it. I am already doing some of the things on your list and my kids freely talk to me about their experiences in school, about things they’ve read or watched and they ask me alot of curious questions. I really hope they continue to do so even when they become teens so I will try my best to do everything on this list.
Nena says
“the things you do when your kids are young can make the teen years much easier. ” I’m totally with you on that one. I married young and as a first-time mom to our daughter, I basically raised her like the way I was brought up. That means being strict, being disciplined, playing by the rules. You’re right. My daughter now is very secretive and always keeps to herself. Communication is very frustrating. I was a stay-at-home mom back then. I was already working (and more mature) when we had our second child who is more independent, open-minded and confident. It’s always easier to talk to my son, even if we argue sometimes, at least I know what his thoughts are about something. Thanks for these wonderful tips. Hope it’s not too late to start over with my daughter.
Alexandra says
My grandparents are raises me in the atmosphere of love, freedom, trust, e.t.c.
John Marc Ramirez says
It’s really important to raise these young kids to become the people they must be because they are the future of this world. Thank you so much for sharing this one. ๐
Tere says
I loved these, I’m a mom to a 4 year old, and I’m always wondering if I’m doing the right things for our relationship to improve more and more, and our mutual confidence in each other.
As a teen, I remember I could tell my mom anything, and I regularly relied on her whenever I’d had problems, and that’s the kind of relationship I want with my son now.
I would add something to that list, which I already do (at some point), and it’s trying to set the example. Whenever I have something happening in my life I try to involve him, again in a kid friendly way that doesn’t really puts pressure on him, but reinforces the sense of family.
It has worked so far, although only time will tell