Parenting teens can be a challenge, and they have a ton of technology at their fingertips! Do we need to monitor what they do on their phones? My answer is no, I don’t check my teen’s phone, and here is why.
I got added to a Facebook group a couple of months ago by an acquaintance who is also the mother of a teenager. This group has over 500 people in it, all parents of kids at our local high school.
Thinking that it might be filled with information about the local school and what was going on there I decided to check it out. What I found was a rapidly growing group of hundreds of parents all talking about the apps that kids use to hide nudes on their phones.
There were comments like “I don’t care if I’m a ‘mean mom’ I’m checking my son’s phone every day” and “We can’t trust these kids to know what not to do with their phones!!”
I was shocked, comment after comment of parents monitoring their teen’s phone, checking through their apps, and installing apps they used to get copied on every text their kid sends. There were threads about who had found nudes on their kid’s phones and what punishments the parents had doled out.
There were other parents on there “Oh my, I’ll have to check my daughters phone!” and “I never thought these kids would do anything like this!!”
It was like a witch hunt for catching your child with bad things on their phones everyone was all up in arms, parents who never would have thought about checking their kid’s phone were looking over them with a fine tooth comb. Then they were coming back to report to the other parents, and publicly tattle on what they found.
But not me, nope, I don’t check my teen’s phone.
You can call me crazy, or naive or too trusting, but at the end of the day I make the choice not to check my teen’s phone, here’ why.
First and foremost I trust my kids.
Yeah, Yeah I know, you’re saying, “she just thinks her kids are perfect” and no, no I do not. I am actually fully aware that you never really know what any one else is capable of. People can shock you, they can disappoint you, they can do things that you would never expect.
But does that mean you should live in a state of doubt, and distrust of those closest to you? I believe that answer is no.
I also believe that when your kids know you trust them, they show up. They value your trust in them, they value the privileges that come with it, they know that you believe in them, and they want to do their best for you.
My boys have told me on multiple occasions that they wouldn’t do certain things because they know I trust them and they don’t want to betray that trust. They know they have the freedoms they do because they make good decisions.
Does that mean their immune to doing anything that I wouldn’t approve of? No, however they also know that if anything comes up that we’re going to talk it through and discuss it in a calm understanding way. Our relationship is built on respect and a huge part of that is trust.
I don’t check my teen’s phone because I also believe kids need their privacy
Let me take you back to 1997 for a moment. My senior year of high school. Every day, multiple times, notes were passed in hallways, in classes, full of things I just had to tell my friends or that they had to tell me. They were full of secrets about boys, things we hated about our teachers, funny things, serious things…. All kinds of teenage communication.
Did my mother ever demand to see them? Did she tell me that when I got home I needed to empty my book bag and show her that I wasn’t passing any notes that were inappropriate? Nope. They were mine and my friends, full of personal thoughts and conversations.
If she had demanded that? They would have gone in the trash long before I headed home.
What if she had picked up the phone extension every time one of my friends called and demanded to listen to our conversations? Or sat in the room every time I had a phone call? I would have made sure to call my friends when she wasn’t around!
I had nothing to hide, I was such a goody-goody in high school, and I knew I could talk to my mom about anything, but you know what? I wanted my privacy when it came to my conversations with my friends!
Think of texts as those notes and phone calls. If you demand to see what your child is talking about with their friend, or monitor their texts they are going to make damn sure you don’t see the important stuff, they’ll be sure to delete what they don’t want you to see, or find some other way of communicating with their friends that you don’t know about.
I don’t check my teen’s phone because by invading their privacy you set them up to feel the need to sneak and lie, and break the trust that you have.
By trusting them and letting them have their privacy you encourage a sense of safety and honesty. They’ll come to you when they need advice or a friend needs help. By giving them their space they get the sense that they are trusted and that you are someone who they can trust in return.
I came across this website while getting ready to write this post and there are some very candid answers from kid’s whose parents monitor their phones. They are worth the read to see how teens feel about it!
If you really can’t trust your child then why do they have the phone in the first place?
Now I am not saying that if something came to my attention that I thought was harmful or upsetting that my kids were doing that I wouldn’t take action. If the trust was broken we would certainly address it.
What I’m saying is that when my boys got smart phones I also trusted them with the responsibility that came with them. We talked about nude pictures, internet safety, texting while driving…. All the things that come with having a phone. We decided they were ready and they got phones.
If I really thought they couldn’t handle it they wouldn’t have the phones! If you really think that your child is going to do inappropriate things with their phone, if you feel the need to monitor their activity, why not just give them a good ol flip phone and call it a day?
It really comes down to trusting what you’ve taught them, trusting that you’ve raised them to do the right thing and step up when they need to. Its understanding that they might make mistakes, they might make poor decisions and that they’ll learn from them, and you’ll address them when the time comes.
To me it’s like them getting a license, going to friend’s houses, getting on the internet. There are tons of times as parents that we don’t have control of our kids, we don’t have our eyes and ears on them, and we need to understand that their journey is theirs and that we’ve done the best we can to teach them before they are put into those situations.
If you feel the need to check your teen’s phone, it may be a symptom of a much bigger problem.
Has something happened that you don’t trust them, or that you don’t feel confident in their abilities to make good decisions. Ask yourself why? Are you acting out of fear? Are you wanting to keep control? Has your child shown that they are untrustworthy? Figure out what is driving your actions and get to the root of the real problem!
You might feel like things are different from when you were a teenager, sure we passed notes, but kids now are texting, sexting, sending nudes, randomly sending messages via social media, and all kinds of things we never had any access to! You might think I need to check my teen’s phone to make sure they aren’t doing any of that!
That’s true, it all is, and as a parent it can be really scary. But for me the solution isn’t to check my teen’s phone it is to have open communication. It is teaching them about responsibility for actions, and respecting people. It’s education them about dangers, and about consequences that I never even had to think about when I was their age. It is even more important that when our kids are facing things that we never did that we understand, that we realize that restriction results in rebellion and that as our kids are turning into adults they may make poor decisions and we need to be available to help them through those and let them learn from them.
We can be afraid of predators, of cyber bullying, of all the horrible things out there in the world, and yes they are scary! The best defense against those things is having a child that will come to you, that will talk to you, that will answer your questions honestly if you ask them.
Fear is pretty much pointless, it doesn’t change the outcome of a situation, it simply makes it stressful and keeps you from taking action and having conversations that would make a real difference!
So I for one won’t check my teen’s phone, I’ll be having conversations with them, giving them my trust and their privacy, and expecting the best from them!
As a parent you have to go with your gut, and do what you truly believe is best for your child, and your relationship with them. If you have cause for concern and worry you have to act on it. If you can trust your teen and give them freedom than let them spread their wings!
J says
My children are not teens yet. And although I’m a believer in trust.. I’m also a believer in accountability…. let’s go back to 1997.. I’m sure your parent would not have let you loose in a situation where you had unlimited access to pornography, or real life meet ups. I was 13 when I first snuck out and met a boy from the internet. I was always “the good child” and my mom trusted my implicitly. But it was a good thing I didn’t get killed that night… or any of the following nights that I did the same thing… it’s not about trust it’s about safety.
Momof3 says
I think you said a mouthful when you said you were a goody goody in highschool. Teens don’t think ahead, or think of consequences of their actions, they are way too emotionally immature for that. Also, my parents trusted me implicitly, and to this day (I’m 32) have absolutely NO idea what I was up to in highschool. I hid it well, and I recall my mother even saying she’s so glad she could trust me…. Check your teens’ phones. It’s not always about them doing something bad, they could be being bullied, etc. A 12 year old at my son’s middle school committed suicide 2 months ago bc she was being bullied online, receiving harrassing texts/ social network messages, etc. Her parents said they wish they had monitored her phone. Teens deserve privacy in the bathroom, privacy in the bedroom when changing/etc, privacy in a diary/journal, but not privacy when it comes to their friends and the internet. This may work for your kids, but I don’t think you should advocate for more parents to be in the dark when it comes to their children and what they’re up to. I definitely agree to the above comment that it’s a safety issue.
Krista says
Well, I should add to my goody-goody comment that I did get pregnant at 18, so there’s that. I guess the way I look at is that for generations teens have been doing things their parents wouldn’t approve of and I feel that when they know you’re checking their phones it only leads to them hiding more, and being less likely to be honest with you. I know that with my son’s friends the ones who’s parents are the most strict are the ones who are doing the most rebelling behind their backs.
I understand the idea that in some situations it’s a safety issue and if one of my sons was acting strange, withdrawing from me, or I could tell they were hiding something then we’d address it then. I’m not saying be blind, I’m saying respect their privacy.
Krista says
I understand what you mean, however, I had lots of friends who snuck out to meet up with people, go to parties, sneak into bars. That was all before they had smart phones.
Accountability is one thing, making your kid hand over their phone on a regular basis so you can check up on them is another. If they do something they aren’t allowed to, yes you address it. But when people monitor their texts and phone calls I believe that crosses a line. Once again if they can’t be trusted to be responsible they shouldn’t have the phone.
Dawn says
I totally agree. 100%. I believe that every individual deserves his privacy. I don’t spy on my teens, check their phones, never! Doing so will just lead them to not trusting you and despising you. Reminding them how to use the internet responsibly, letting them know about the pros and cons of social media, I think is enough. How would you feel if it was your phone being checked by someone else?
You may want to check this article about social media safety: https://www.parentingmonkey.com/social-media-safety
Krista says
Glad to see someone who thinks the same way! I too feel we need to think about how we want to be treated and treat our kids the same way. Only if the trust is broken does that need to change! Thanks for sharing your article, it’s full of great advice!
Sarah says
I’m sorry but I totally disagree with this.
‘By trusting them and letting them have their privacy you encourage a sense of safety and honesty. They’ll come to you when they need advice or a friend needs help. By giving them their space they get the sense that they are trusted and that you are someone who they can trust in return.’ – trust must be earned, not freely given, as trust can be used to manipulate and be taken advantage off.
My 15 year old son gave us no reason to look on his phone; we trusted him; we taught him the do’s and don’ts; he was a picture perfect child, never got into trouble. But what we accidentally came across on his phone while my husband was helping him with some tech issues was UNBELIEVEABLE!! And what we found led us to find out about even more, much deeper issues he was going through. He was able to hide these things from us because he KNEW we trusted him, and he took advantage of that.
Kids are kids and should be treated as such. They should not be given free reign of the internet; that is way too big of a responsibility for children; they are not mature enough for that.
If we hadn’t found what we did on my son’s phone when we did, he could possibly be dead today. So I’m sorry, I have to 100% disagree with you on this.
Lisa says
I disagree, I trusted my good and well behaved kid that use to share everything with me and he ended up smoking pot with these other good kids from good family that I know, he ended up being depressed along with all his friends, and making horrible posts on social media, thinking about drugs and suicide. You would be terrified if you see what they write to each other, and in his case there was no bullying but that could have easily happened. Teenagers under 18 are immature, friends matter more to them than anything else in the world and It my responsibility to protect him. I am not saying to control then but they should not expect to have 100 percent privacy.
Krista says
I totally understand where you are coming from. I think because I homeschool and am around my kids so much I can pick up prettily easily on things that are going on with them and they are very open and honest with me. My two oldest (20 &16) both watch out for each other and come to me if they are concerned about something. If my situation or relationship with my boys was different I may have a different perspective! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!
Donna says
You are naive . I was to till recently. I didn’t know who my kid was talking to and that her and most of her friends were doing drugs and sneaking out . You can’t protect your CHILD yes child , if you turn the other check and pretend that they are innocent. It’s not about privacy it’s about protecting. This era of social needs to be handled differently. That have access to everyone now.
hanna bray says
get back at you.
river says
i am a child, but i agree. my mom is so forceful over me, and ALWAYS reads my texts, and honestly, its just caused depression
Heather says
I completely agree! I have four kids. I never checked my kids phone. They need privacy just as adults do. I have messages I wouldn’t want anyone to see for the simple fact that I have messages from people that confided in me and me alone. I wouldn’t break their trust. Kids/teenagers are the same. They confide in one another. They need people to trust and reach out to. I am not naive and think my kids are perfect because God knows their not! However, I give them their privacy and respect. Now my 16 year old step daughter, her mother goes through her phone EVERY SINGLE DAY! She looks at the conversations that her and I have and her and her dad. Her. mother has read conversations between her and her friends. She had one friend who would message her and was having a lot of issues. My step daughter was helping her and being there for her and my SD’s mother read all of their messages and then posted things on social media about the “depressed girl” . . . THAT IS INVASION OF PRIVACY! This girl was my SD’ best friend and this girl reached out to my SD to get things off her chest. They now rarely talk. This girl needed someone to talk to and to unload to. She doesn’t have that now. . . People, don’t go through your kids phones! Give them privacy! They may have someone that is reaching out to them or they my best the ones who needs to reach out to someone else.
Emma Hunter says
I think there’s room here to have transparency and assure safety without stalking your kids and reading their texts. My grandsons were not allowed to have a private phone conversations or texts even from me. Nothing was private. I turned out they were being abused by their step-father and their mom did not want them revealing the secret. Now they have a step-mother who controls their phones and shuts if off, deletes messages, and takes the phone away for every simple rules infraction like not making their beds. First their mom didn’t protect them and now their dad won’t let them lead a normal life. I think it’s ok to tell them you’ll be checking location especially if they’re late. My grandsons are beaten down thinking they’re so awful they aren’t allowed to have any freedom to express themselves. They have very little respect for their parents who fail to stand up for them and are afraid of and dislike their step-parents. They have a low opinion of adults, marriage, and humans in general. The oldest just graduated with top honors. The younger one, 15, was the target of the most abuse and is a heart-broken mess. His thoughts aren’t even acceptable. It’s worse than a parolee wearing an ankle bracelet. Bad stuff is gonna happen. It’s been happening for thousands of years.
Heidi says
I am not sure how I ended up on your blog, I was looking for something else, but when I saw it thought what the heck I will give it a read. I feel you are not informed enough about the Internet and what phones can do- talking about passing notes in school is completely different than having the ability to talk to someone in New Zealand. It is just not even comparable.
There are a lot of parents out there that unfortunately were not informed enough about what kids can do online and trusted their kid and sadly their kid ended up murdered. They then go out and try and educate parents-to watch what their kids are doing on line and who they are talking with.
Your blog does come off as very naive, especially comparing passing notes in school to a phone that gives you access to the world.
Turning it on the parent as , what is your problem that you can’t trust your child vs someone protecting their child, just shows lack of knowledge. You try and act like a therapist saying ” what happened in your past that you can’t trust your kids” but any therapist would tell you to make sure you know what your kid is doing online.
You can parent your child however you want, but to make blog criticizing other parents for protecting their children – then people are going to respond about how they disagree with your ideas. I am just baffled reading your blog.
The rule in my house is that if you want a phone- I have to be able to check it on a whim. It is part of the world we live in now. It is not 1980 anymore